Page 12 - Msingi Afrika Magazine Issue 3

ISSUE THREE | NOV/DEC

more for me even though I couldn’t who would protect me. I think I family that would praise God and
see it then.’ was hardening my heart because I just bless God. I was upset at
I was supposed to go into my third didn’t want to be hurt, to risk loving God, I wondered, ‘what have I
year of a four year course, but and it wouldn’t work out. But the done to deserve this? Why am I
by the time I got there third year underlying fear was the fear of going through one thing after the
had become second year. The being alone. At that point I didn’t other? Is it me or is it You or is it
disappointments were just piling know that I had a lot of trust issues. both of us?’ And so I did the one
up. The idea is when you’ve come I can see it clearly for what it is now; thing I knew to do. I kept myself
back from a country like the UK, it translated in my relationship with extremely busy, I took a second
either you’ve failed or you’ve failed. God, it translated in my relationship job and I just worked myself until I
It was difficult for me to find my way with my husband, my relationship was bone tired every time I came
and to just pick myself up and start with everyone around me. But the home and I just closed my heart, I
again. But I did and I thank God for underlying fear there, was the fear stopped feeling.
the grace to be able to do that; but of being alone. With hindsight, I think it must have
I still had unfinished business with There was so much to look forward been difficult for my husband. He
God. Come to fourth year and I’m to as a young wife as a young was working crazy shifts, coming
ready and waiting to just graduate bride as a career woman but home late at night, by the time he
and then I discover that they’re immediately after, endometriosis comes home, I’m asleep, by the
not going to let me, because even knocked on my door. I had made time it’s time for him to wake up,
though they said they would take a vow with God that I saw what I’m awake and gone. We drifted,
my credits, they went back on their happened in my growing up and but before we drifted, we had
word. I had to sit in class with first I’m going to do everything in babies.
year students; I graduated another my ability to make mine work. I Neema (meaning Grace) came
year later. I was very angry. Little thought that it was a conversation I three months after I stopped
did I know that God was using was having with God, I think I took treatment. They wanted to put me
those little times of disappointment an ultimatum to God. I said, “I’m on fertility treatments and to do In
and such gutted expectations, but going to do everything in my power Vivo treatment, where you do the
what He didn’t tell me was that, to make my marriage work.” And fertilization outside and I just said,
“Oh, my daughter, this is just the I tried. The endometriosis didn’t ‘If it has to get there, it’s never that
beginning.” help. First of all we didn’t know serious, I don’t have to have kids.
I finished with school and came what this was. I had always had If that’s what God has said, then
home. I didn’t get my transcript from very painful menses I just never it’s okay.’ I truly just surrendered.
my university for two years, which knew what that was. Everybody I went and learnt a new language,
meant I couldn’t do my exams and said it’s normal, it’s part of growing Kalenjin, from the culture where
start working as a Pharmacist. I up, it will get better when you have I was married. I think that must
didn’t understand this fighting to children. That’s a myth. have taken away my focus from
get stuff, having to push through I had to go on treatment that everything because before, every
things. There’s always been a made me go on menopause but it month when my period would
delay. Finally, I got it and I got my made me very emotionally loaded. come, I would be so heartbroken;
registration and I started working, I just shut down, I didn’t have but after a while I forgot about it,
I did my internship, I did the exams anyone I could talk to, who could I’d be so busy trying to get the
and I got married in 2004. I had understand me, I didn’t talk about words right and three months later,
met my husband-to-be in the UK what I was feeling. I’m a firstborn I discovered that I was pregnant.
and he said that he always knew and so there’s this expectation This was two and a half years after
that he would marry me. I was that ‘you’re supposed to be strong, we got married.
just focused on trying to get my look how far you’ve come, lead My pregnancy was normal, until
life together; but he was patient the way’ and so I just sucked it 24 weeks when I started having
and he waited for me to finish up. In the process of all that I had contractions and I ended up
everything. I had always said I surgeries, I had treatment that having a premature baby at 30
would never get married after what was injected in my navel every weeks. She was really tiny and I
happened with my parents; but we month for six months and I was had to leave her in the hospital. I
had an amazing marriage. just like a pressure cooker that can’t explain to you how that feels.
was bubbling, I needed to vent. I kept looking back and I’d be like
How did you change your Being told I couldn’t have children “Lord, you’re still not done with
mind about getting married? was heartbreaking because for me? This thing of broken hope, I
I think in my heart I really wanted me family was always a very don’t get it, but now I’m a mommy,
to be loved. I just wanted to find close thing to my heart. I wanted so I don’t have too much time to
someone who would love me and to be a woman who raised a godly dwell here, so let’s just get on with
12 HEALING - RESTORING - REBIRTHING - AFRICA