Page 14 - Msingi Afrika Magazine Issue 3

ISSUE THREE | NOV/DEC

suddenly you’re not hearing His 1997 is when I gave my life to and ask myself, what is going on
voice, His word, nothing? I went to God, 2017 is when I said, “I give here? God is so amazing, He’s
different places and had to leave, up, I surrender, Lord. Everything.” so patient with us, He waits until
I was completely alone. I couldn’t That’s 20 years. After my we get to the end of ourselves.
see my kids for eight months, I separation in 2015, I went through The way I had said to God that
was so broken. I was looking for a divorce. I had thought we would for me, my marriage would work,
God again, I tried everywhere. be able to reconcile, it wasn’t my home and my family would be
I went to find Him in the Hebrew possible; I was told it was too THE family. I didn’t realize that
community and later chanting with complicated. I didn’t understand the motive behind the dream was
some Buddhists. Both times, just what that meant until much later. really wrong. I was coming from
when I thought I had found Him, I realized that I was busy trying a place of self righteousness and
He’s like “Leave!” I’m like, “Lord to hold onto something that was self glorification.
again?” I just got to a place where already dead. I blamed myself for I was addicted to relationships
I lost my faith. I was like what kind so many things, but I’ve had to get because my underlying fear was a
of God is this? Maybe I’m the one to the point of understanding I’m fear of being alone, it didn’t matter
that has a problem. Maybe I dared not in control and that even the who was in that space, there just
to believe in a God that doesn’t day it happened, all that is factored needed to be someone there. I
exist. Maybe it’s just words in the into my journey. don’t know what it’s like to come
Bible, I will never leave you, I will I had this self righteousness and off heroin because I’ve never used
never forsake you. “Where are pride, trying to define myself as it, but I can tell you that I feel like
You now?” either good or bad, and deciding I went through a similar process
So I stopped, I said, ‘don’t call me what God should do with my life. of withdrawal. I had to face myself
a Christian. That Jesus of yours, God broke me in that way because and I had to allow God to shine the
don’t talk to me about Jesus,’ I I was also very judgmental. Let light in the deepest crevices, those
would shut people down. ‘Don’t. me tell you it is one thing to judge dark places where I had closed
Don’t finish that sentence.’ I someone, it is another to fall in my heart and had just said that it’s
walked the barren land, no word, the same sin and it is humbling okay, when it’s not okay. He had to
nothing. I didn’t read the Bible for on another level. The same way take me back to that little girl that
maybe six years or more. I’d fling that God is working to forgive and felt abandoned and rejected and
the Bible away. Then because to restore in my life, He is doing to everything about how I related
God is Who He is, scripture just it in someone else’s life. I kept even with my father, because he
started coming out from inside me asking why me Lord? I started was absent for a while. I brought
like what? I haven’t read the Bible, to ask, why not me? Why should that into every relationship,
I haven’t been to no church, what someone else have to go through including God as my Father. I just
is this coming forth? That blew me that? I am not better than anyone kept trying to do things to make
away because I was like where is else. Is it a wonder that God took God love me and not leave me like
it even coming from? me through that painful time of I had been left several times over.
having hemorrhoids and having to
Restoration, Purpose have them removed and having to How did you come to trust?
He broke me. He broke everything. be cleaned by everyone? I think it I believe coming to Mombasa was
My identity, sense of self, was a preparation for my walk in a great step of faith. I was coming
understanding of who He was, adultery and having to repent of it. to bring my parents and I didn’t
or is, my security… my sense of know that I was going to move as
purpose. I did not understand it When did you get to the point well. When I came to this home
at that time. When I left work to where you now realized that something just clicked. “I’m moving
start the journey to be a pastor, everything around you has here? Oh, okay Lord, I wasn’t quite
there’s a lady who gave me a book been a kind of a veil of pride? ready, I didn’t know I was coming
called The Dream Giver by Bruce How was it broken and how to Mombasa.” I have been through
Wilkinson, it’s an amazing book periods where the instruction was
were you restored back to
I have read over and over again, move, or go, or stop, or stay… so I
your purpose?
that I really resonated with. Like moved. I didn’t know what I would
I was seeking external validation
the man in the book, I wrestled do, but He knew and I think that
with God. I wrestled with my and it had to come in the form of was the first step of learning to
understanding of who He was, my relationships and the determination trust Him again. But before you
that I would be successful with
purpose, who I am, why me, why can trust, you’ve got to heal, and I
whoever was in my life. I did date
not me. It’s only this year He has think from 2017, that’s really what
after the divorce, but then I realized
shown me why. He had to break God has been doing, just healing
me because He wants to use me. that I was attracting the same kind my heart and all that pain.
of person. I had to sit with myself
14 HEALING - RESTORING - REBIRTHING - AFRICA